A Long Running Theme

Mini-Rants

The following “rant” is actually comprised of a series of mini-rants about stuff that pisses me off. It's not complete, as there is an inumerable amount of stuff that pisses me off just in the realm of human nature, let alone in other aspects of the world. As you can guess, all of these “mini-rants” will have varying topics. They will not be in any particular order, as I don't really have a daily checklist of things I need to be peeved about.

1. Couples who are expecting a baby and use at least one form of the following phrase: “We're pregnant!” No. SHE'S pregnant. Guys. Cannot. Get. Pregnant. We don't have the plumbing. EVERYONE knows this. Yet obnoxious people insist on trying to make pregnancy a “team effort”. I'm a father. I saw my daughter's mother go through the nine months and while I tried to play a part in her...I don't want to say “burden”...rather... “adventure”....like doing more of the housework, carrying everything for her, letting her rest when she needed to...I did take credit for the pregnancy. I didn't have a life brewing in my stomach. I didn't get temporary carpal tunnel syndrome, I didn't have cramps or Braxton Hicks contractions. My penis gave me a “Get out of child-bearing free” card. She bore the child, she gave birth, she endured the pains and took the bad with the good. I didn't do any of that, so I'm not gonna go around claiming I was pregnant too. People who do are stupid. (please note: I do see the ONE situation where that phrase is appropriate: A lesbian couple who both had artificial insemination done and both got pregnant. But that's splitting hairs.)

2. Hip hop ringtones. Really? It's just fucking dumb. I find nothing more obnoxious than sitting on a bus, or waiting in a doctor's office or anywhere else and hear somebody's phone belting out a ridiculous, static filled, low quality sound clip from some shitty rap song. Nothing says “You're phone's ringing” like songs about bitches and Bacardi, right? WRONG! Nothing says it better than “RING RING RING!” Yes, as a fan of heavy metal I do have heavy metal ring tones. But I always make sure it is a high quality sound clip and I dont keep my phone up too loud in public. I at least make an effort.

3. Non-stop talkers. Okay. I admit, when I get a good conversation going on interesting subject matter...I can go on for awhile. However. I don't talk for hours on end, I let the other person/people speak as well, and I don't bounce the subject around to a million different things in a span of five minutes. I once had a conversation that started as a simple debate over whether or not Stanley Kubrick directed the Space Odyssey sequels...should've lasted the five minutes it took to look it up on Google. That's where I WANTED it to end. But wham. I found myself, three hours later, discussing the migratory patterns of ducks. There was no break in the conversation, just to let you know. And all because I'm GENERALLY too polite to tell the non-stop talker to “Shut the fuck up!”. It might not have been so bad if I had gotten a word in edgewise other than the occasional “Mmm-hmm...” or “Oh really? I didn't know that.” People like that just rub my fur the wrong way.

4. Johnny Depp. I used to like him. I did. I really did. I thought he was amazing. But now..he's in EVERYTHING!!!!. Aside from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, I've just gotten sick of him. He's in EVERY Tim Burton film, along with-and as I type I have to suppress a shudder-Helena Bonham Carter. I'm just tired of seeing him. He's still a good actor, I admit, but really, just pick someone else to put in movies, for fuck-sake. Specifically you, Mr. Burton. I love your work and all, but you've developed a disorder I invented that I call “Over Depping”. It starts with “Double Depping”, “Triple Depping” and so on. After five I just call it “Over Depping.”

And there you have it. These four are a tiny fraction of what truly riles me up. I will be writing more of these, so don't worry. The world is not my oyster, but it is my big festering pile of shit that makes me mad. So you can best believe I'm going to complain about it.

End Rant.